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It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day