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Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
"May the 4th" be with you!
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.