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Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.