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Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.