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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
A wise man, will often say nothing
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"