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It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?