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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
thinking men should come with a carfax....
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”