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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.