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My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
why do i feel like you are reading this
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.