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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don`t f*cking care
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.