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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.