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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers