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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Sö î hèãrd ÿôu lìkê gùÿš with ácçeñts?
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.