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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.