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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?