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I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
Iām gonna have to get new pets, Iām running out of passwords.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
Iām sorry I offended you with my common sense.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.