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wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.