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Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
Go ahead caller 9!!
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."