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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
I just lost my mood ring, I don`t know how I feel about that.