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Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?