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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.