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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
The word bed looks like a bed.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..