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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.