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Happy people don`t take long showers.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?