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You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.