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Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"