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“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."