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A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet