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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why did TLC not want him to go...
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.