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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.