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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.