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I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.