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Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.