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So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.