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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........