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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!