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Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!