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One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`