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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
"May the 4th" be with you!
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`