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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
So how long before GoFundMe is our nation`s leading health care provider?
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman