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The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I`m never free but I`m available.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.