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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, Iām really disappointed with Bill Gates.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...