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Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.