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I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)