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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
Beauty is only a light switch away...
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.