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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
The only clubs I’m into are sandwiches.
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?