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People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.