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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
How Big is Infinity?
I need a new bad decision.