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Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.