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My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"