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Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words