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Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
Gravity is a real downer.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.