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One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.