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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today