Daily Silly Status

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

i spend 800% off my life exaggerating

I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here

I don’t even know what I don’t know.

Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.

Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.

Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"

I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.

So, at this point, should we really still be calling them New Kids on the Block?

The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down

The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.

Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.

I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks

I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.