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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.